I usually only tell you guys the good parts of skiing–that I made it down Ajax on Sunday, that I used bigger skis, that I yard saled but didn’t really hurt myself. What I don’t talk a lot about is the fear I feel a lot MOST of the time skiing. That Ripped Guy of Mine(TM) and I talk about it a lot though, because I would be a much better/more fun skier if I wasn’t so freaking scared all the time.
What am I scared of? I’m not really scared of falling, because I laugh when I do that, and I don’t really hurt myself. I’m scared of going fast, but I’m not really scared of going fast, I’m scared of falling when I’m going fast because then I might actually hurt myself. And not laugh. So I sort of am scared of falling, only not consciously, because I don’t really fear falling.
There’s a blog I absolutely love called Becoming a Badass, and she recently wrote a post that really resonates with me. Jessica moved out to Wyoming to be a ski bum never having skied in her life (sound familiar?) and has been there two years. Her most recent post is about her first backcountry skiing experience.
I mean, I could have written these same words:
Also, and by far the worst, my fear kicks my ass. I’m out of my element, everything is new and I can’t get my head to focus on skiing. Thoughts of my inability to do this new thing won’t leave me alone, so, I see a tree and get scared I’m going to crash and fall over. I fall and fall and fall.
Yeah, and I could have written these words too:
Well, folks. Here’s the news. I’m not a badass. I’m a wimp. I cry a couple of times a week. I feel lost a lot. I fall down frequently and randomly. I am a light-weight drinker and most of the time I would prefer to be home eating cake. I’m a wimp! Ok. I am. But, for some reason, I WANT to be a badass. I want it really bad. I want to be strong, physically and mentally.
This is true of skiing more so than most other things in my life. I often feel like a badass in my career. I often feel like a badass with my friends. I even feel like a badass at CrossFit sometimes–at the least, it never scares me. But put me on a damn ski hill and I’m a WIMP. It’s humbling. It’s important. It’s effing scary.
But in optimist fashion I’m trying to see the silver lining: not everyone has something they’re scared of that they GET to push through. I GET to challenge the fear and ski down mountains and do things it never even occurred to me to dream about.
Seriously, check out Becoming a Badass. We’re all working towards badassery!!