This is not a feel good post. This is an angry post.
This week, I came up against something that I have been fortunate enough to have avoided for 36 years: sexual assault. Let me be clear: “nothing” happened. As in, I was not assaulted. Or murdered.
But I was skillfully manipulated, isolated, and put into a situation where if one tiny thing hadn’t gone my way, I might not be here to tell this story.
AND I AM FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT IT.
Because “nothing” happened and days later I am still losing my damn mind replaying the events of the evening, of the “date”.
Because “nothing” happened and I couldn’t sleep and I still can’t shake a sense of sadness, fatigue, fear, and even physical pain.
Because “nothing” happened and I am reflecting on the one hour I spent with this seemingly charming man, thanking god and anyone willing to listen that I am who I am, that I am tall and strong and definitive and have always, always been allowed to and able to say no.
None of those statements are true for a lot if not most women. And I am angry for them.
I am angry that I have to be angry for us women: what world have we created where this is the reality? What world do we live in where I second-guess MY actions in this encounter, rather than the man who would skillfully, knowingly, suggest seemingly innocent things that would put him in a position to assault me?
I am angry that I need to be smart and tall and strong and mention Find-My-Friends being enabled on my phone in order to protect myself, that now I have to question if safety with our fellow humans is a given.
I am angry that up until Tuesday night, IT WAS MY GIVEN. I believed in humanity. Not with a blind eye, not with ignorance, but with optimism. And I’m angry that one man could, in the span of an hour, force me not to have sex but to question my very faith in mankind.
I am angry that my “nothing” happening makes me want to shrink, to hide, to not get into “those” situations. I have spent my entire life striving to live large, be bold, be heard, be noticed, push myself outside of my comfort zone, to do things that matter.
I can tell you this: I have worked too hard to allow my “nothing” assault to make me shrink. I will not allow this man to change things I love about myself: a sense of wonder, a sense of adventure that sometimes manifests as ‘why not?’, a sense of welcoming, a sense of vulnerability to be open to new people.
And while I am grateful for those aspects of my personality, I am ANGRY that I even have to defend them, to myself and to you, because this predator put them at risk.
Anger isn’t a common emotion for me. So I don’t really know how to use it. What do I DO with this anger? I don’t freakin’ know.
I am angry my anger took from me my regular Feel Good Friday, which should have been a celebration of friendship and love, where I share my gratitude for my best friends, for an incredible hot pool Friday and support system Saturday.