I’m casually sitting at my desk on a regular Tuesday in a regular outfit which is a below-knee-length skirt that’s slightly rubbing my wound from flag football a week a half prior, that’s a little gushy but healing alright, and a button-up top that’s sleeveless because it’s record hot outside although it’s freezing inside with a/c and all the sudden I JUST HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE.
I’m like a panicked animal, looking around, trapped, in this open office with natural sunlight streaming through the windows and filtered water by my side. I am fighting off tears, and starting to panic because I am fighting off tears and can’t take deep enough breaths and am telling myself I’m fine but I am very clearly not fine at all.
I manage to gather my laptop and lunchbag and walk calmly out the door, ride the elevator down, breathe in panicked, rushed breaths that are trying to be deep but just can’t quite get there until I finally get to my car, where I all but collapse into the driver’s seat as I dial my mom. Even then I can’t quite get out words, and I’m not quite crying and I manage to say, “I don’t know what’s happening.”
“You don’t know what’s happening about what?”
The Mirena crash is a real and horrible thing. I am crying and driving on autopilot and talking coherently and completely out of it all at the same time. I am terrified and rational—I must get home, I shouldn’t be driving. I make it home and collapse onto the bed with my head snuggled into Nali who if she’s surprised doesn’t show it and simply wraps her head around my head.
I’m a pretty emotionally stable person. I FEEL things deeply, joy and pain, excitement and disappointment, love and hate. But I am also generally well-equipped to deal with these emotions because child of psychotherapists, remember?
WELL HOLY BALLS it turns out being emotionally unstable is the most no good, awful, terrible thing. I cannot imagine how people deal with this on a regular basis. I felt out of control, absolutely insane, and had no idea when or how I was going to get better.
This was all caused by the removal of the Mirena IUD. It turns out that though we are taught that the IUD is localized hormones, it is in fact inserted endocrine disruptors that stop the production of hormones (and therefore periods and pregnancies) and we actually have no idea how these synthetics, chemicals, move through our bodies. For more on the crazy shit that goes down, this is a really informative article, particularly given that it’s written by lawyers establishing a class action lawsuit against the company that makes Mirena.
My gratitude list for today is thusly for my (normal) emotional health, stability, and well-being. I am grateful that my parents taught me and my brother numerous healthy coping methods for emotional distress, anxiety, panic, and even depression. I am grateful that I have a strong, open-hearted support network of family and friends to lean on when something like this happens and I (do? could?) feel lonely. I am now more empathetic than ever to those suffering from depression, anxiety, mood disorders. I am grateful that this is only temporary (I can assume…. RIGHT?!).
Things I did to calm myself the eff down:
- Doggie snuggles. Animal snuggles improve mood. It’s science.
- Grounding. Barefoot on the beach. But barefoot anywhere would work. Dirty hippie truth: touching your bare feet to the ground has positive energy for you.
- Bath. As I mentioned, it was a heat wave, but I got myself in that epsom-salt-filled tub anyway. I promptly got out too, because you don’t have to do a damn thing you don’t want to.
- Veg. I watched baseball, you guys. I laid on the couch and watched an entire baseball game. I do not enjoy baseball, especially on TV. But is there a better veg sport (do not say golf, I can’t even imagine how low I’d have to be to go there)? Plus, World Series. Astros-Dodgers, battle of places I’ve lived. Wager.
- Talk/journal. I talked to my mom, texted some friends, wrote in my journal.
- Wine. Just one glass.