Broken Hamstring

On Feel Good Friday, I said thisWell, some time off from working out to, ahem, reflect. More to come in another post.

This is that post.

I tore my hamstring.

In yoga.

I’ve gone through several different cycles of understanding about this injury.

First, The Facts

Monday night one week ago today in hot yoga, I was doing wide-legged forward fold where your hands are holding on to your feet and you’re trying to get your head to the floor.

My hair was touching the floor, so I kept pulling, excited about the possibility of getting my head all the way to the floor!

POP!

Leg stiffens, I fall over, barely catching myself before sending down all the other yogis down domino-style.

I take it easy the rest of class, shower, and it feels ok. Painful, but ok.

An hour later, I’m in what is honestly some of the most exruciating pain of my life. I’m icing, laying down (watching Necessary Roughness), staving off the feeling of wanting to throw up from the pain.

I go to sleep. Wake up 12ish times, unable to get comfortable sleeping.

Work is worse. Finally, I make it to an appointment with my … well, injury guy. He’s a chiro, ART, sports guy who worked on my foot (plantar fasiitis-like injury but not) and was mildly effective. He massages calf (?!) and tapes hamstring.

I feel 1 million times better.

But still in pain.

I go back. Same story. I’m ARTed and taped, I’m managing, but it all hurts. And I can’t work out AT ALL.

I spent the weekend relaxing and NOT doing things outside. Yet somehow my hamstring hurts worse today than it did at the end of last week!

I’m trying to find the silver lining in the torn hamstring. A rest for my body? My foot to finally heal? More time to do other things?

Then, The Denial/Reflection

How do I really feel about this hamstring injury?

Lost. Relieved. Pissed off. Stressed. Scared. Lonely.

Because.

Because I don’t want to gain weight and it’s a lot easier to work out than to not drink.

Because I don’t know how to be friends and not do active things.

Because I don’t want to lose my strength gains, and flexibility gains, and things to do.

Because I don’t know what to DO if not CrossFit and yoga and beach volleyball and football and biking with Nali to the dog beach.

So I feel scared. And sad. And stressed.

Because my hamstring is my identity. My athleticism. My body.

Yet I feel relieved.

Relieved that I can do nothing, or craft, or cook, or lay on a towel at the beach reading US Weekly in the sun and not playing sports.

And lonely.

Because it hurts just me.

Soon, The Peace

Hopefully.

Because what else is there? I have this injury, I need this hamstring for everything I do, so I must properly rest and heal it.

So I accept the sadness, anger, frustration and embrace the relief—it’s temporary. This pain, this limited motion, is temporary.

I’m grateful for my health in more than just my body, but in my mind and spirit. This injury reminds me to be grateful, NOT to take health and wellness and fitness for granted.

Thanks, hammies, for all you do.

Even if it’s forcing me to take a step back.

I guess.

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