You Are My Celebrity

Unibutt

It has come to my attention that some people don’t know what unibutt is.

I was aware of the problem, but a recent listing on Amazon.com, no less, made me realize that I need to speak up for the good of womankind.

unibutt

What in the name of all that is sacred in fashion is this?

I like the brand, so I won’t tell you who allowed this monstrosity onto the internet in a clearly misguided attempt to sell pants. No wonder they’re discounted like 73.5477782% off.

This model is probably very attractive, despite a slight pancake butt. Given the right tools (aka pants with separation), she would probably even get a “nice ass” from a construction worker on the street (construction workers: stop. we are not objects).

BUT SHE DOESN’T GET THE RIGHT TOOLS.

First, her underwear. She’s clearly wearing granny panties. How do I know? Nothing else gives you insta-unibutt like granny panties. Fine if you wanna wear them, just don’t wear tight pants. There’s room for you in this world. Just not in tight pants.

Second, the pants bear much of the blame. Pocket placement creates the ever-elusive third butt cheek, the one in the middle formed by too-wideset pockets. This is obviously not ideal. Weird dimensions create too much fabric, not enough body. The rise is way too high.

Third, the stylist or merchandiser who allowed this photo to be used to sell pants is the most to blame. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Who looked at this on a contact sheet and decided this, out of all the other photos of all the other angles of all the other iterations, was the best? You need a new job.

For the best side-by-side photos demonstrating all sorts of unibutt probs, you must click over here. Seriously, just click here. This blogger spent far more time than I’m capable of snapping pics of her own unibutt. She’s genius.

To stop wearing unibutt pants, the rule is simple: is there separation? Between the butt cheeks, around the butt cheeks? Then you’re good. No separation? No good.

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