I don’t feel good this freakin’ Friday. I am grateful for a lot of things but in the season I am in right now, when I wrote “good” in that headline I had a visceral reaction, a shuddering like “what a lie.”
Here is what I just cannot conjure up any gratitude for: a seemingly endless job search, a lot of energy expended building Peggy without a clear idea of what future I want, family drama all around, a body that’s not bouncing back and hurts in whole new ways, clothes that don’t fit, clothes that I don’t even want anymore but don’t have the energy to sort through, a messy house I don’t have the motivation to sort through, and the lack of groceries in the refrigerator.
I’m not grateful that I’ve been posting more on LinkedIn for the algorithm and to get found by recruiters which is … not happening. But if you want to know what networking I’ve been up to, unless you’re my fluffer in which case you definitely already know, that’s a good spot.
This is what exhaustion looks like, and it’s not just physical: it’s emotional and spiritual too. How does one hold on to hope, and for how long?
Don’t worry, this isn’t a cry for help and I AM grateful, and I believe gratitude is most powerful in this type of moment. It’s just a tough season.
I am grateful for my beautiful wonderful baby girl, for Pinot in the City with Willamette wines* and great friends new and old, Spryng conference, new friends, networking, opportunities coming soon, weekend adventures, Miss Emma & Ada, working moms, catch up phone calls, my brother and sis in law, and the impending pool season: seeing Sanne swim is one of the best things you could ever see. She splashes and kicks and plays and grins and it’s something we should all aspire to!
*new discoveries that I must try again on the next Willamette visit:
Love & Squalor at portlandwinecompany
Division Wine Co in Portland
Chardonnay (!!) at Bethel Heights